Bored on a Saturday Night = Thinking about My Life

I just got off the phone with my Grandma, and it was the nicest conversation we have had since my move to Burbank. I mentioned before that I felt she was mad at me for staying at her place with our pets while she was out of town, and I would be lying if I said that didn’t bug me a little considering we are family and I was in a tough spot, but my Grandma has different ways of thinking about things like her house, and I should have made sure it was okay with her too and not just my Mom. Either way it feels nice to be back in her good graces, and every time we talk I am reminded of how lucky I am to have her in my life. Also, talking to my Grandma always makes me think about my life, and if I am making her proud. I know she loves me and will always be proud of me, but I feel a special obligation to make her proud because she has done so much for me in my life, and I want her to be able to brag about me, because honestly isn’t that what being a grandparent is all about?

I can sense she is worried about my most recent life choices. The move to Reno was a good idea because I had a great job lined-up, and we upgraded our life in so many ways! The house we moved in to, our income, and the cost of living. Plus, we weren’t too far from home which meant we could venture out and be independent, but still visit home whenever we wanted, and visa versa. Now we are in expensive Southern California, I’m not working, Rich has a job but it is an hour away which means tons of wear and tear on my car that took me forever to finally pay off. Also, I had to ask her to borrow a little money to pay student loans, and I already owe her money to begin with. All and all it seems as if we are failing out here, and for what? I moved out here for Rich, but I imagine in her mind she is thinking Kelly worked so hard and put herself through school and for what, to follow a boy to expensive Burbank. Granted Rich and I have been together for almost four years, but we aren’t married, nor does it look like that will be happening anytime soon, and I’m sure in her mind that means I should not be making life decisions that put his needs before my own.

There is a very real chance she is not thinking any of this, I guess I just think in terms of how I would feel if it were my child or grandchild, and I put words in her mouth. And I have to say I agree with my Grandma’s voice in my head. I feel like I am struggling for a dream that isn’t even my own. In fact, life would be much more prosperous for me in Northern California considering I am pursuing a career in Social Work and Sacramento is the Capitol of California = more government jobs then I could ever want! But then again I want to be with my Richie, and I want him to find success and be happy so we can be happy together. I guess I just don’t know when to draw the line, and when I should say sorry hun you’ve had enough time and I can’t keep suffering like this, I am moving home for me. Then I would blame my selfish actions if he weren’t able to find success in his dreams in Sacramento.

Ugh, see I just don’t know how long I should wait? We haven’t been here long, and I know I owe it a bit more time, but it all boils down the cost of living down here. I feel like we will never be able to afford to have anything here, not until one of us gets our career up and running which is about three years out for me and who knows how long for him. We could have so much more somewhere else, but Rich can’t have his dream. Or maybe he can, but he is so in love with Southern California it is like he can’t think straight. He says the same thing about Sacramento and me. I do love Sacramento and having my friends and family close by, and yes I would chose to move back there because it is home, but I would also stay here if we could have most of the same things in Burbank that we can have in Northern California, or even Reno, NV for that matter. I just want to live and be comfortable with our pets and be able to go out to dinner every once in a while, maybe go have a drink somewhere, or be able to shop for myself a few times a year. I feel like I have given up everything this last year to make ends meat, and it doesn’t seem to be getting any better. It is starting to make me panic because when you have things to give up then you have a little leeway, but when you’ve given up everything you don’t have anymore room to budge, so if one thing goes wrong the whole thing falls apart and comes crashing to the ground! I think we are teetering on that point, and honestly I’ve just sort of resigned myself to letting the pieces fall where they fall. I’ve given up, and that makes me feel very sad and ashamed of myself, but that’s the reality.

One of the founding fathers off Sociology, C. Wright Mills coined the term “Sociological Imagination” which is the ability to recognize the relationship between large-scale social forces and the actions of individuals. He said that using the sociological imagination allows you to think yourself away from the familiar routines of daily life. And more importantly when feeling overwhelmed by social forces it allows you to lift a large part of the guilt and shame of failure off your shoulders, by recognizing that you do not have total controls of all things that happen in your life. When I begin to feel like a total failure (which I do a lot lately) I channel C. Wright Mills and think about how different my life would be if I had gradated college ten years ago. The economy was doing great, and California was handing out state jobs left and right. I wouldn’t have felt like a failure then, so why do I feel like a failure now because I can’t get a single reply from one of my many job applications? That is not entirely my fault California is failing too. You can’t internalize all the blame, you just have to try harder in these times and hope that you catch a break. And not everyone does, we see that on the news every night lately. You can’t internalize it all, all you can do is your best, and I am trying.

With this frame of mind I can’t help but think the logical thing to do is live within our means, and not go broke chasing a dream that is years out. I hate to think about giving up on dreams, but hard times call for making tough decisions, and it just feels like now is the time to do just that.