What Am I Going To Do?!

I know that life somehow always works out, but I am getting to the point where I don’t know how I am going to make it through this point in time. I’ve tried to make decisions to the best of my ability, but every time I do something goes wrong. I don’t mean a little wrong, but seriously wrong.

Early last year (2009) I graduated college. Three months prior to that I lost the part-time job I had all through college. I received unemployment, but very little. Luckily I had one last disbursement of financial aid to cover us until I finished school. Right about the same time Rich was laid off from his full-time job and started receiving unemployment that totaled half of his normal income. Our total income was cut in half, not including the loss of my financial aid, and we were in a dire straight position. I did what I had to do. I found a cheaper place to live that we could afford on our limited income and moved. And surprisingly, we loved it there! Right about the same time I found a job and thank my lucky stars we were going to be okay. FFhheeww, we somehow made it through!

The early part of this year (2010) I was offered a great position, nearly double my current salary, in Reno, NV. Rich had been struggling to find work ever since he was laid off, so I made the decision to take the job and make the move to Reno. It was great at first, we had more money and Reno is a very nice and affordable place to live. But as I am sure most of you who are my facebook friends know, the job fell apart in six months and I found myself on unemployment again. Luckily this time it was a livable amount, half of what I was making, but still manageable. Rich and I talked about our options, and he has always wanted to move to Southern CA for school. I figured what the heck he moved to Reno for me, I can do this for him. A friend of his helped him line-up a job, and I had unemployment, so we figured hey let’s go for it! Well, I’m starting to really regret the decision.

Yes, Rich has a job, but the lovely state of Nevada is not offering unemployment extensions as of this month. Guess what? My unemployment runs out this week! Stress doesn’t even begin to explain the amount of worry I have right now. We had to spend our every last dollar to cover our rent for November, and give our months notice to our landlords. We have no choice, we can’t afford to stay here anymore…sound familiar? The only difference this time is there is no such thing as cheap rent in Southern CA, especially not when you have pets, and I am not about to surrender my animals - no way!

So here is the only solution we can think of, move to Ventura County where rent is $1000 a month, which eats up most of Rich’s income for the month, and he enrolls in school to receive financial aid to make-up the difference. I continue to look for a job and hope something comes through. That is the best we’ve got.

Words also can’t describe how much I am dreading another move! We moved in Sacramento to a cheaper place, then we moved to Reno nine months later, then we moved here six months later, and it has only been four months and we have to move again! Uuuuggghhhhh I just want to scream with frustration. I want to throw a fit and yell no I don’t want to go, I don’t want to do it, I quit! The mental stress and worry of constantly moving is seriously going to kill me. That compounded with our money worries is going to give me a mental breakdown. I can’t keep doing this! I just want to move somewhere and live there and be happy. And to be honest, I just want to go home and feel safe for a little while, job hunt, and not worry about finding a place to live until I find a job.

Then there are all the little annoying things. Rich and I constantly fighting because he wants to stay here, and I want to go home. The fact that money is so tight I can’t even afford the application fee to graduate school which would help save me from this mess for the next two years. And the part that makes me want to cry, looks like we won’t be able to afford Thanksgiving dinner this year.

Yup, what the heck do I do? There is no end in sight. Yes, I should have never moved to Reno, and I could strangle my employer for having me quit my steady job and move to another state…for six months of work!!! I know I can’t blame anyone but myself for my decisions, but honestly, I don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve started to just let go. We will play it by ear until the end of this month. If we get the apartment in Ventura great, but I have a feeling our income won’t be enough, and if that is the case well I guess I will give my Grandma a call to say we’re coming home. I don’t know, I just don’t know…and honestly, I don’t care. I’m going to finish my application to graduate school in Sacramento and in Northridge, and when it comes time to start school I will decide then…that’s if we can make it that long.

And that is my life :)

Bored on a Saturday Night = Thinking about My Life

I just got off the phone with my Grandma, and it was the nicest conversation we have had since my move to Burbank. I mentioned before that I felt she was mad at me for staying at her place with our pets while she was out of town, and I would be lying if I said that didn’t bug me a little considering we are family and I was in a tough spot, but my Grandma has different ways of thinking about things like her house, and I should have made sure it was okay with her too and not just my Mom. Either way it feels nice to be back in her good graces, and every time we talk I am reminded of how lucky I am to have her in my life. Also, talking to my Grandma always makes me think about my life, and if I am making her proud. I know she loves me and will always be proud of me, but I feel a special obligation to make her proud because she has done so much for me in my life, and I want her to be able to brag about me, because honestly isn’t that what being a grandparent is all about?

I can sense she is worried about my most recent life choices. The move to Reno was a good idea because I had a great job lined-up, and we upgraded our life in so many ways! The house we moved in to, our income, and the cost of living. Plus, we weren’t too far from home which meant we could venture out and be independent, but still visit home whenever we wanted, and visa versa. Now we are in expensive Southern California, I’m not working, Rich has a job but it is an hour away which means tons of wear and tear on my car that took me forever to finally pay off. Also, I had to ask her to borrow a little money to pay student loans, and I already owe her money to begin with. All and all it seems as if we are failing out here, and for what? I moved out here for Rich, but I imagine in her mind she is thinking Kelly worked so hard and put herself through school and for what, to follow a boy to expensive Burbank. Granted Rich and I have been together for almost four years, but we aren’t married, nor does it look like that will be happening anytime soon, and I’m sure in her mind that means I should not be making life decisions that put his needs before my own.

There is a very real chance she is not thinking any of this, I guess I just think in terms of how I would feel if it were my child or grandchild, and I put words in her mouth. And I have to say I agree with my Grandma’s voice in my head. I feel like I am struggling for a dream that isn’t even my own. In fact, life would be much more prosperous for me in Northern California considering I am pursuing a career in Social Work and Sacramento is the Capitol of California = more government jobs then I could ever want! But then again I want to be with my Richie, and I want him to find success and be happy so we can be happy together. I guess I just don’t know when to draw the line, and when I should say sorry hun you’ve had enough time and I can’t keep suffering like this, I am moving home for me. Then I would blame my selfish actions if he weren’t able to find success in his dreams in Sacramento.

Ugh, see I just don’t know how long I should wait? We haven’t been here long, and I know I owe it a bit more time, but it all boils down the cost of living down here. I feel like we will never be able to afford to have anything here, not until one of us gets our career up and running which is about three years out for me and who knows how long for him. We could have so much more somewhere else, but Rich can’t have his dream. Or maybe he can, but he is so in love with Southern California it is like he can’t think straight. He says the same thing about Sacramento and me. I do love Sacramento and having my friends and family close by, and yes I would chose to move back there because it is home, but I would also stay here if we could have most of the same things in Burbank that we can have in Northern California, or even Reno, NV for that matter. I just want to live and be comfortable with our pets and be able to go out to dinner every once in a while, maybe go have a drink somewhere, or be able to shop for myself a few times a year. I feel like I have given up everything this last year to make ends meat, and it doesn’t seem to be getting any better. It is starting to make me panic because when you have things to give up then you have a little leeway, but when you’ve given up everything you don’t have anymore room to budge, so if one thing goes wrong the whole thing falls apart and comes crashing to the ground! I think we are teetering on that point, and honestly I’ve just sort of resigned myself to letting the pieces fall where they fall. I’ve given up, and that makes me feel very sad and ashamed of myself, but that’s the reality.

One of the founding fathers off Sociology, C. Wright Mills coined the term “Sociological Imagination” which is the ability to recognize the relationship between large-scale social forces and the actions of individuals. He said that using the sociological imagination allows you to think yourself away from the familiar routines of daily life. And more importantly when feeling overwhelmed by social forces it allows you to lift a large part of the guilt and shame of failure off your shoulders, by recognizing that you do not have total controls of all things that happen in your life. When I begin to feel like a total failure (which I do a lot lately) I channel C. Wright Mills and think about how different my life would be if I had gradated college ten years ago. The economy was doing great, and California was handing out state jobs left and right. I wouldn’t have felt like a failure then, so why do I feel like a failure now because I can’t get a single reply from one of my many job applications? That is not entirely my fault California is failing too. You can’t internalize all the blame, you just have to try harder in these times and hope that you catch a break. And not everyone does, we see that on the news every night lately. You can’t internalize it all, all you can do is your best, and I am trying.

With this frame of mind I can’t help but think the logical thing to do is live within our means, and not go broke chasing a dream that is years out. I hate to think about giving up on dreams, but hard times call for making tough decisions, and it just feels like now is the time to do just that.

Time to Set a Goal!

Have you ever felt lost in life?  Like you’re aimlessly wandering around from day to day without any sense of direction or purpose?  Well that is how I feel right now.  It’s no surprise considering I always feel this way when I’m not working or going to school.  Work and/or school keep me grounded, and more importantly provide me with a schedule.  I don’t know why, but I need to have a schedule, otherwise I can’t seem to get out of bed in the morning.  It is so silly!  Sometimes I hate that schedule, but I know I need it.  I need a reason to get out of bed, to get in the shower and get ready, and somewhere I have to be each day otherwise I turn into Zombie Kelly.  I know what you’re thinking poor Kelly with all her free time she needs to have more self-discipline.  Yeah, yeah, I know.  I put myself through college and I have been working non-stop since I graduated High School so I know a thing or two about self-discipline.  But right now I need an extra push, that extra sense of obligation, a deadline of sorts.  When I have that I can accomplish great things, but without it I am Zombie Kelly.

I know what I need to get out of this funk; I need to set some goals.  That is precisely how I got out of the forever a community college student conundrum I was in for eight years.  One day I realized if I didn’t hurry up and make college a priority I would never graduate, and that was not an option.  I sat down and mapped out a plan to complete my lower division courses in one year, and made an appointment with a college counselor to get started on my transfer agreement with U.C. Davis.  I worked full-time during the day, went to night school two nights a week until 10 p.m., and I had an all day Saturday class on the weekends.  I was a full-time employee and a full-time student for a solid year.  My only day off was Sunday, and of course that was the day I usually worked on my homework.  I was exhausted, but I was determined.  And it didn’t get any easier once I transferred to UCD.  Financial Aid allowed me to drop down to part-time work, but a full-time load of classes at UCD is serious business and I juggled work and school for a solid two years before finally graduating. 

I was able to accomplish everything above, yet now I can’t get out of bed in the morning?  Where did my motivation go?  I know a lot of it has to do with financial worries.  I feel like I have been struggling for the last three years, and that kind of worry and stress is exhausting, and will make anyone want to bury their head in the sand…or sleep all day, whichever.  But I know better.  I know denial never helped anyone.  And I know the only way to solve my problems is to get off my lazy butt and do something!  I am mad at myself for becoming so complacent and apathetic.  I need to remember my college days, and how much I would have given to have this much free time back then.  And I know when I start working again and/or Graduate School I will remember this time and kick myself for not accomplishing more.  So wake-up Zombie Kelly, it is time to set a goal.  

I have been talking about becoming a Social Worker for years.  I decided while at UCD that I wanted to pursue a graduate degree, and after talking to a few wonderful Professors and Counselors about my idea of a dream job, we all determined in order for me to be happy I have to work face-to-face with the public.  Any other degree would guarantee me a good job, but social work would guarantee me a job helping people at the grassroots level.

Graduate applications are due in March, perfect timing for my thirtieth birthday!  So, my goal is to complete and submit my application to California State Los Angeles, and California State Sacramento (just in case!) before my thirtieth birthday March 24, 2011.  And since my application will be good and ready, I may even send it to a few more exciting schools, we will see and you will have to check in on my blog every once in a while to find out!